things

Health

• I woke up this morning and thought 'oh you're kidding me! I feel SO GOOD'
• And then I moved
• And thought "Well crap"
  
• 10 whole seconds of feeling well. My daughter says "Hey! that's great maybe tomorrow will be 20 seconds! That's great Mom!"
• She's an optimist
  

Mis-spoken

• I was on the Geriatric floor in the hospital
• Not sure why, I think that's where the internist was
• Mike thought it was funny
• I didn't find it amusing when my food kept showing up pureed
  
• As he brought the kids up to see me he said "This is the Geriatric floor, where people die"
• Dumb joke
• That scared the kids to death
• once they realized that's where I was
• oops

Kids

• E6 is still having a difficult time and trying to find his footing
• Yesterday I talked him into laying down with me
• He gingerly curled up against me and then
• slept
• He's really testing my Mom
• and quite angry right now
• I figure when things settle down so will he
• but we obviously need to work on some manners

oddities

• How can one be freezing cold yet sweating buckets at the same time?
• Why is my toenail falling off?
• When will I get color back to my skin, it's white as can be right now
• Why do my little boys stay in pajamas all day?

Thanks

• I am so thankful for my Mom coming out to take care of me
• I don't know how long she'll be here, but I'll take what I can get
• It was so thoughtful and so nice and well...so motherly
• I can't say Thank you enough to her or my Dad (Who I am sure is missing my Mom desperately right about now)
• They are best friends, showed me how to love a spouse
• which I am sure is why Mike and I are so blissfully happy
• and act like honeymooners after 17 1/2 years

Tired

• Now I am tired
• This post is wearing me out
• Must. rest. now.
  

Life and death

I am in bed.
Right now.
In bed. In MY bed.
Thinking.

Over the last four days I've had a bit of time for that. Thinking.

Well sort of. Most of the time was spent in excruciating pain and/or passed out from pain or drugs or both.

But here's the deal. I was SO SCARED I was going to die and never see my husband/children/parents/siblings again. I was terrified. The fact that the nurses wouldn't leave my side for the first 48 hours added to that fear.

Mike sat by my side, stoic. Running his hands through my matted hair "You're gonna be fine honey" and I saw, in his eyes, strength. I was too sick to see more.

I didn't know.

I didn't know that he would walk out of my room and break down, scared to death he was losing me. I didn't know that he would drive home through a haze of tears and go to our room, hugging my pillow tight and cry himself to sleep. I had no idea he had the same fears. I had no idea that he left each night wondering if I'd be there the next day. I had no idea that he wasn't saying "goodbye" to me because he was too scared to utter the words. I had no idea he was staring at the phone hoping I would call, but not wanting to call me in case I was resting.

Yesterday, after we made it home and I was sitting in bed, feeling exhausted and irritable, I said something about how scared I was, and that's when he shared with me what he had gone through. He was terrified he'd never look into my eyes again. Scared he'd never hold me again. Worried he hadn't told me he loved me enough times.

He said he would pray every night for God to heal me and for strength to know what to do.

He said he would cry out "God, what am I going to do without her?"

By then we were both crying and just holding each other.

We are all going to die someday, I think this just really brought it home to us.

I wish I could elaborate, but I am far too tired. If I was more coherent I am sure I would add some more meaning to it. But you know what I mean.

Oh so sweet

As you know my Mom heard me crying, heard the pain in my voice, heard the fear, and hopped on a plane and is on her way right now, to me!

Normally when my parents (or Mike's Mom) are on their way out the kids are giddy with excitement.

M-12 just came in and told me "I was so excited this morning! I was bouncing around the house. "She's coming! She's coming!" I was just shaking I was so excited!" I smiled at her, assuming she meant her Mamaw Sue and then she said "I am just so glad you are home Mom I can't stop grinning." she laughed outloud then. Her eyes sparkling.

Aww it was ME that she was excited about! Me that she was bouncing around the house for.

I'm glad I'm home too baby! So glad.

homeward bound?

Gosh, I hope I get to go home soon, anyway, I figured I should update on things.

It's Tuesday morning and I am still in the hospital, that makes 4 days. This just in: I get to go home in a couple of hours!

Kidney: Is doing quite well. I was officially diagnosed with pyelonephritis, which if you look it up means "Kidney infection" but according the the Dr. it means 'REALLY BAD kidney infection beyond normal bounds" Okay.

Shaking: Well we all know what Sepsis is. A blood infection that you don't mess around with. I have sepsis.

Head: Have a major headache/migraine

Lungs: Last night the dr. thought he heard crackling and was concerned by my dry cough I have developed, he wants me working on breathing deeply to clear that air out, even though it hurts.

Why does it hurt to breathe in?: This is the best thing a Dr. has said to since we've been here: "I was looking at the Scans and could see that she was a tiny lady. There is absolutely no fat between her organs so they all rub on each other, which is why she's having so much pain." I laughed and asked him to repeat the part about no fat and then told he and Mike "I really like this Dr!". I rather enjoyed being told what a "tiny lady" I was. LOL

Break down: After holding strong for 3 days I hit a wall yesterday. I mentioned that I miss Mike's arms around me while I fall asleep, then Mike told me that he's sleeping on my side of the bed to feel my presence. It made me so sad. Then the Dr. came in and was concerned I was developing pneumonia AND I had a migraine I had been fighting for 3 days (Still there by the way, only it's given up a tiny bit right now) so what did I do? I answered the ringing phone, it was my Mom and I cried and cried. And well...guess who's going to be here tonight?

Yep, she got off the phone and got plane tickets.

In the hospital still

So here I am still, I'll be here overnight and possibly one more night. The Dr. won't let me go home until I have been without a fever for 24 hours.

All in all this is what it came down to: Kidney infection and most likely a blood infection. Hard to say exactly because the Dr. at the clinic gave me a dose of Levaquin and by the time I got to the ER it had already sterilized my blood.

Our friends took our kids to dinner tonight and then are taking them to their house to play. That will be a nice distraction for them.

Finally I miss my kids.
I miss my husband.
I miss falling asleep in his arms.
I miss tucking the little boys into bed.
I miss D's one armed hugs.
And M's caring for me.

infection

So a couple of weeks ago (I guess) I went to the restroom and realized I was peeing straight blood. Mike rushed me to the clinic and I was diagnosed with a UTI or a Bladder infection, I can't remember which? Mike says Bladder infection.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was in excruciating pain, could not even move. I literally laid in bed and cried toward the evening. Mike wanted to take me to the ER he was convinced I had a kidney stone.

But I talked him out of it.

And then today came along. I was sitting at work with horrible chills. I could not get warm (Mind you it's 102 outside). I put on a coat and still my teeth were chattering. I finally walked outside and sat in the sunshine for a bit, trying to stop the chattering of my teeth. I got up and walked back to my desk and that's when it happened. Suddenly the room began to spin, I remember saying "Oh Dear God Please don't let me pass out right now" and then...I woke up, on the floor, throwing up all over myself. I tried to sit up and passed out again. Eventually I pulled myself up and grabbed the trashcan, in which I proceeded to toss my cookies for the next five minutes.

I called down to youth services explained what happened and she quickly took over and called Mike to come get me.

So here's the deal. The Bladder infection...it went into my left kidney causing some lovely sounding thing "pylonephritis" and a blood infection (Which I think is sepsis).

So here's the deal. PRAY PRAY PRAY FOR ME. I am in a lot of pain AND I feel so guilty about missing work.

Love Story Chapter 2: Mike's perspective

After sitting in class for a few weeks and watching the blond laugh and talk to her friend I went to the eye Dr. and traded in my coke bottle glasses for a pair of contacts. And then I shaved my moustache. And I began to talk to my Dad, every single night, about what an idiot I was. I asked for his advice. All for the girl of my dreams.

It was like any other day, the blond walked up the stairs with her brunette friend. She laughed, she giggled, she turned around, she chatted. I leaned back against the wall and eyed her, she stepped up on the landing and leaned against the railing. She looked up at me, looked down and then suddenly looked up again.

“You got contacts!” she exclaimed.
“Yeah” I answered back, “I did.” my heart skipped a beat and I thought to myself ‘She noticed me’.
She smiled at me, I shyly smiled back.

And then she said “And you shaved your moustache off!”
I muttered something about needing a change and she said “It looks good.”
And I smiled at her.

I thought silently to myself “She said I looked good. Maybe there’s a chance here. Maybe I’ll get to know the beautiful blond with the big blue eyes and great smile.” I sighed.

Suddenly it became even harder to concentrate in class.

black

You may remember this...

And then it became this...a creamy color

And now it's this:

• There's more to do of course, the cabinet doors aren't lined up right but we are going to replace the hinges anyway in the next few days, so why bother
  
• There are knobs and handles to put on
  
• Oh and two more cabinet doors
  
• And of course the wires from the computer need some serious work
• Ohhh....and the light fixture, yeah, it's gonna meet with a can of spraypaint and possible some new sconces (Are they called sconces? What are they?) Something bright and colorful and fun.
• And of course wall decor and all that garbage, but that will all have to wait.
  

Love Story Chapter 2

Chapter 2
After a week or two of sitting in class next to tall quiet guy I was ready to give up on ever talking to him, he was sort of interesting, sort of cute, but extremely shy. I was so shy that we couldn’t manage anything other than “Hi”, I thought he looked like someone that would be a good friend, but that didn’t appear likely at the rate we were going, besides that I could tell he was older than me, not much, but definitely older, he could probably care less about talking to the 19 year old bleached blonde beside him. And I was pretty focused on chatting with Tammy and planning out our after school activities.

It was afternoon and school was almost out for the day.
Again I walked into the library with Tammy laughing and talking about our friends.
Again I was stopped in the hallway by two football players who felt it was necessary to daily tell me how hot I was.
Again I rolled my eyes at them.
Again we flashed our library cards.
Again we chatted our way up the stairs.
Again nearly to the top of the stairs I glanced to my right and saw the same feet encased in the same shoes. He stood there leaning on the railing just as he did every day. We stepped out on the landing and I looked up to say Hi to him. Only my breath caught in my throat. I heard Tammy behind me suck in her breath.

The tortoise shell glasses were gone, replaced with contacts. Huge chocolate brown eyes looked at me. I opened my mouth to speak and snapped my jaw shut. Finally breaking eye contact words spewed forth from me "Oooh you got contacts!"

I was amazed at the difference in his face, I could actually see him, focus on him, there was no distraction of thick glasses, everything was clear and gorgeous. I was tempted to walk up and run my hand down his cheek, the desire to touch his face was so strong.

A smile broke free of his mouth. That was the first time I saw it. That beautiful amazing white smile. That brilliant smile. The smile that instantly lit up the entire second floor of the library. I gasped again. He nodded and quietly answered "Yeah, I did."

And then I realized something else. "AND you shaved your mustache! It looks good. Really good." He had no idea how good. Now his smile reached his eyes, oh those huge chocolate brown eyes that were virtually indistinguishable behind the thick glasses he typically wore. "Thank you" he shyly answered. I stood back gaping. Suddenly mildly interesting tall quiet guy became downright distracting.

How was I ever going to focus on class?

anxiety

I woke up feeling somewhat weak, I think I just knew...it was going to be one of those days. I got up and stumbled to the kitchen (Thank you funky leg) and grabbed my anti-anxiety pill. Swallowed half and wondered if I should take a whole one.

I didn't.

And then I sat on the couch. In a ball. Weak. Quiet. Sad. Anxious. Depressed. Unable to speak. Unable to unclench my teeth.

A hot bath would surely help. I took one. Weighed myself, lost another pound. Fine by me but proof that I am having a hard time. Called Mike at work because he made it clear "Call me anytime you are feeling __________ (Fill in the blank). He wasn't there. Called again. He wasn't there. Called again. He wasn't there.


By then my breathing was labored and I was shaking. He wasn't there.

Thoughts filled my head. I began to go online and search things. Called every creditor to find out our balance and payment. Went to our mortgage online to insure there were no late payments (I knew there weren't). Walked to the laundry room ready to check the electric meter but it was raining. Wrote down available credit on credit cards. Made a list. Made a mess. My typical out of control OCD crap.

He finally called but I could barely talk. No voice could be heard over the phone lines. "What are those papers shuffling in the background?" He asked. "Nothing" I quickly answered. "What are you doing?" He asked. I sat silently. Not knowing what to answer. Unable to answer. Too tired to answer.

"I want you back," he whispered.

"So do I," I whispered back.

(Furthermore: Please don't call, I just don't feel up to talking)